My final post

Yeah, this one is personal.

I have fought the good fight. I have struggled on against the maddening tide. I have failed. It has been a year since I have had any contact with my sons. It has been a year since I have slept a single night for more than an hour. A year of dreaming every night of not knowing where my children are. Of not knowing if they are ok. Of waking up in a panic. Wanting to run to them. In this year, I came so close to victory.

On December 1 st, 2006, I had all the pieces. I had successfully beaten and forced the dismissal of Suzanne's fraudulent Petition and its unlawful Order Keeping my Children in New Mexico. I had filed for and gotten an immediate and expedited order for the return of my children to Oregon. I had even gotten a Writ of Assistance, ordering Law Enforcement to assist me in recovering my children. That was it...

The next day, I traveled to New Mexico and had my revenge. I used the writ to kick in the doors of Suzanne's Mother's House. 35 Days after the Judge in Oregon had ordered my Children's return, I stood there with my children and the Police and watched as the crime syndicate which had stolen everythingfrom me was taken to jail for Kidnapping. While incarcerated I levelled the full brunt of Oregon's Anti-Parental abduction statute known as "Arron's Law" at each of them individually. I took their houses, their cars, their toys, their boats, their business. I did to them what they had so remorselessly done to me.

...No, I did not do that. I thought about my never having a family and of how hard life had been for me without one. I decided that I could not do that to my children. I put all thoughts of revenge from my head and called Suzanne. I explained the situation to her. She screamed and cursed me. I hung up. I called her again the next day and explained the parts which she had missed due to screaming... I told her that I wanted to drop the case I had against her...I did not want to disrupt the boys lives. I wanted to do what was in the children's best interests. I would make all the sacrafices. I would move to Albuquerque, get a job, a place to live and be a part of my children's lives. That I would go back down there, no pride, no victory, nothing.. I would simply forgive for what I had endured and I would endure a life time of her families scorn and insults of how wrong I was. I would do all that, so that my children would have the best possible advantages in life.

I even explained to her that her newly hired lawyer in Oregon had failed to keep her from being in violation of the Oregon order. He had filed for a hearing to object to the order, but had not gotten a stay on it. The order was up on November 29th and the hearing was not until January sixth. She was in violation at that time. I could have put her behind bars. For the first time in her life she would have had to face the consequences of her actions. Instead I told her to tell her lawyer to go to Ex Parte and ask for a stay based on the confusion of Jurisdiction during the first 2 weeks the order was active.

A month and a half ago she called me to tell me that she could not handle the boys. She begged me to come out there. Said they needed me. Said that she needed me. That was the call that broke my resolve. She cried on the phone abo9ut Morgan crying all the time. What did she expect? She cut me from my children's life without a care in the world. She took their primary care giver away without so much as a voice on the phone for future contact. She had the audacity to vent that night,
"I just give em what ever he wants so he'll stop crying! Do you have any idea what he'll grow up to be if he always gets what he wants?"

Yeah, I know exactly what he will be. He will be just like her.

So I spent the Holidays painfully missing my children. While her fmaiky celebrated their happiness, I sat in a dark room and cried, But I knew I was doing the right thing. Knew the nightmare would be over soon.

I would like to point out that most of all I gave up any chance of seeing my children over the Holidays and these were the darkest holidays I have ever experienced. I gave up all of that and all I asked in return was a say in my children's upbringing and equal rights over them. I could have had Suzanne and her family arrested and put in jail for good. But instead I decided to work towards the greater good. To forgive...

Suz and I spoke a great deal before and after the Holidays. We were working out a reasonable and equitable divorce. On January 2nd, 2007 I went into court thinking that we were there to amend the diss0lution order and to tell the judge that we were going to file a new co petition for divorce . Tell him that I would be moving to New Mexico to be with my children. I went into court and said that to the Judge. Her attorney then filed a motion where in she swore that she had not heard from me in months. That I was on drugs and could not be trusted. That I should only be allowed a maximum of two hours visitation per week, supervised by sheriffs Deputies. I told the judge this was absurd and that she had no evidence.

5 months ago Judge McKnight explained to me that I could not claim that my kidnapped children were in immediate danger because I had not been allowed any contact with them for 4 months. Now Suzanne was claiming to have had no contact with me for months, but that she could swear to my being on drugs. For some reason, this was acceptable in Judge Loy's Courtroom. Never mind that one of the last three months Suz was under special orders from the New Mexico Judge to answer the phone between 6 and 8 pm every night to allow me visitation with my children. Of course, she did no such thing but since I am already in debt to my Lawyer there, I have no way to file the the contempt charges which were drawn up, signed and ready to be filed on the day the New Mexico Judge dismissed the case.

On February 6th, the state of Oregon will act like Suz did nothing wrong and that her convicted felon-wanted fugitive from 99-2003, repeated drug rehab background is superior to my clean record and my kids will be permanently kept from me. With the full legal support of the state of Oregon and Judge Loy.

And one more thing. I may seem to have given up the fight. I know it appears that way. But in reality I have no more fight to give up. Money and treachery win. I do not know if it was coincidence or connected, but shortly after that last hearing, my health gave out. Mind you, I have not slept, or rested or done anything in the last year to take care of myself. I never really recovered from what ever it was that afflicted me so conveniently for her last year. The stress has worn me to the bone. The pain of not being able to see my children has left me scarred. I cannot remember my last good mood or feeling of security or contentment. In the last two weeks I have added pneumonia to my list of ailments. I can no longer hold down any food and the migraines coming from the deteriorating tissue in my nose... well, back in my skull behind my eyes now, is quite literally killing me. If not that then the stress ulcerated hole that was my stomach will do the trick. Either bleed me out or just continue to starve me to death. I have aged 10 years at least and lost everything that ever made me a person.

I won't last much longer. I won't get to see all those things that other people take for granted. My children won't even remember me. At this point it is best that they do not see the withered scar that I have become. I could not bear the thought that the only memories they have of me might be who I am now.

A year ago I stood in Portland. Reeling from the totality of what Suzanne, Soren, and the Kasdorfs had plotted and done to me and I asked whatever God was listening and my friend who was standing there,

"Why didn't they just have the fuckin decency to shoot me in the face? Why could they not show me that small mercy?"

Well, here I sit a year later and I must ask that question one more time...

Why not? It would have been so much kinder to have just killed me a year ago.

You fucking scum! You took my life a year ago. You took my soul over the last year. You took everything. I hope you fuckin choke on it!


To Sarah and Lawanda,
Thank you so much for everything you did to help. I wish there was some way I could repay you for your kindness. You two are the greatest.