Sunday, May 06, 2007

A Sermon from the Mountain...y area of the Southwest

Once upon a time, there was a man who lived in a valley. He was a God fearing man. (I won't point out the ludicrous nature of fearing divinity if you don't point out the fairy tale beginning of this story. k?) One day a storm blew into the valley. The news warned that flooding would wash the human element out of the area. The man saw the news and prayed to God to save him from the tempest. He was a righteous man and knew he would be saved.

A few hours later, as the torrential downpour began in earnest, a neighbor with a jeep drove up to the Righteous man's house.
"Get in the Jeep!" cried the neighbor, over the roaring rain.
"Don't worry about me!" replied the Righteous Man. "I have asked God to save me and my faith is strong. He will carry me through this maelstrom" (OK, so he talks a little funny... I am simply retelling this sermon in the same vernacular it was told to me. Remember that caveat later.)

With that assurance, the Jeep drove off across the quickly disintegrating mud formerly known as Road. The Righteous Man reiterated his aforementioned prayer and watched as the mud gave way to that, which for lack of a better term will herein be referred to as River. An hour or two passed and the Righteous man was sitting upon his balcony when a motorboat pulled up.

"Get in!" demanded the motorboat Captain. "The River has risen above the sandbags and you must evacuate the area."

"I am not in need of your rescue." said the Righteous Man. "I am in the Arms of the Lord and surely he shall carry me to safety."

The Motorboat Captain shrugged, asked the Righteous Man to not refer to him as Shirley and was off to pluck less certain people from their respective second floors.

An hour or two passed and the Righteous Man was seated atop his tallest chimney. The River had become a Torrent (Yeah, you try incorporating that word into a conversation... ain't easy.) which was rapidly closing the distance between itself and the Righteous Ass of the Righteous Man. (Nope, not his Donkey... I go vernacular, but not that vernacular.)

As the water level rose above the Righteous Man's Perch, a helicopter came into view and proceeded to hover above the shivering, half drowned Righteous Man. The National Guard winch operator exclaimed, "Grab the lifeline and wrap it under your arms. We'll hoist you to safety!"

The Righteous man waved him off. "Go save those in need of your worldly rescue. I am a Righteous man and I have asked the Lord to Save me. I will be fine!!"

After a short exchange involving similar proclamations from the Righteous Man and far more colorful, possibly improper declarations from the National Guardsman, the Helicopter flew off in search of more amicable rescuees. (Is that a word? I know that in NOLA, the word was spelled "Detainees", but I do not think that that situational spelling applies to this Sermon.)

Well, 2 hours, 27 inches and one unexpected transubstantiation... OK, means Death and was only unexpected by the guy doing the dying. The rest of us shoulda seen it coming a long time ago. Lo and behold, the Righteous Man takes his place before God. God asks him, "Are you prepared to face your final judgement?"

The Righteous Man stands tall and says, "Yes my Lord. But first, may I ask one thing?"

"Fire away!" Sayeth the Lord and the Righteous Man Doth ask this.... verily he doth.

"Lord, I am a Righteous Man and have lived a God Fearing life. Why is it that the one time I called on you to repay me for my service unto you, you seem to have ignored my request?"

"You mean the Flood thing and you dying?" clarified the Lord.

"Well yes, my Lord." clarified the Righteous Man. "That would be the event in question here..."

"Me Damn it, pal," proclaimed the Lord "I sent ya a Jeep, a Motorboat and a Me Damned Helicopter. What did you want, a Congressional invitation to get your myopic ass outta the fuckin' water?"

Hell of an intro for the following, wouldn't yeah say? (BTW the 10 Commandments forbid "Cursing." That is the act of wishing or praying to the detriment of another. Doesn't have shit to do with the particular expletives and profanities included in this nearly verbatim retelling of a powerful Sermon. You dig, fuck head?. It ain't the language, it is the intent to do ill that Moses hefted from atop Mt. Sinai. I hate it when that is mistaken to mean the Modern English term "Cussin'". Not the Same. Cursing is bad, Cussin is just a partial homonym. That doesn't make it Gay, just misunderstood...) Where was I?

Oh yeah.. Adios my friends. My time here is done and my task is complete. Or at the very least, as complete as possible given the present situation. Two years ago, I cracked while watching the news and realized that someone had to get the word out that things were not as they appeared. Bush is evil. What's more, he is a pathetic liar who deserves the respect of no one. He and his ilk have taken everything formerly known a American, wiped their asses with it and told us all that the new brown stripes were due to quotas and the liberal conspiracy to fuck us outta our birthright. Well, two years, 50 million viewings of my video Rise and a good strong sniff of the butt wipe these traitors have been hiding behind and we have come to this. You know what's up. You know what you have to do. I said a long time ago that anyone buying the shit the Administration was selling was either in or of the Dark. Hallelujah, the light has gotten rid of the excuse of half of that. If you still think that these guys running this country are benign, you are retarded. Put on your helmet and sign up for the Special Olympics. Most importantly... Sit down, shut up and get the fuck out of the way. As for the rest of you... You have a responsibility to your ancestors, to your country, to your blood and to the American Dream to get off your ass and fight. On the beaches, the fields, the Halls of Congress, the streets of gold, the area around the water cooler and anywhere else your American Ass may find itself. We have created a Monster, my dear Dr. Frankenstein and it is zero hour thirty on whooping that monster's ass back to the grave we found it in. Guess what, we are all born alone. We are all gonna die alone. And the question, "What can one person do?" is being asked by every single one of the 200 million individuals who make up this imperfect Union. What can one person do? The right Motherfuckin thing at the right motherfuckin time!! That's you, now and you know what to do. I am out. Gonna spend some time with my kids and fight for their future. What are you gonna do?